FAMILY SECRETS

Many, many years ago, out of the blue, my sister-in-law asked my husband and I:  

“Have you guys ever tried 23 and Me?”

She was seated in the back of our car and we were driving her home. 

This was actually the second time she’d asked us this question in a matter of hours. The first time she asked this question was a few hours earlier and she was really pissed off at us for not giving her the answer she wanted.  She’d had more than one cocktail. 

I responded with “No. Have you? Why would you take that test?” and she hollered back at me that I was stupid. 

The first time she asked we were at a family event seated across the table from her and my husband reached out and took my hand: 

“She’s had a few,” he whispered in my ear. 

After volleying the question a second time from the back seat of our car my sister-in-law kept praising the merits of the test including identifying health problems etc. Knowing we were dealing with a pugnacious drunk, we chose peace.

“Hmmm.  That’s interesting!”

“You are stupid” she shouted back at me.

In retrospect I think she thought I was lying.  I wasn’t.  

The problem was the same ongoing problem: I wasn’t giving her the information she was seeking. 

Nothing she does is unplanned, but we sort of put the conversation aside for many years.  We got on with our lives. But I knew she was totally stressed out about something and at that moment I could not figure out why.

Fast forward many years later, for all good reasons, my husband and I took the test and it turns out along with his Italian identity he has Ashkenazi ancestry specifically from Poland or Germany. 

We could not be happier. For years we have both been investigating our genealogy, including joining myheritage.com.  For years we have in some way or another been involved with the Jewish community, including taking courses on the Torah, Hebrew Prayers, Jewish history, etc,. Right now we are both in the formal process of Jewish conversion with a liberal Reform Jewish Synagogue in the South.

But to be honest, we are both delighted and saddened by what we have figured out, because along with the names listed who share our DNA, so too is the date when they found out.

On the one hand, we get so much joy from participating on both of these websites. And we love learning where our family came from and who is related to us in those countries. Relatives from the past and present.

The big fat bummer is when we realized that some—a few(?) family members—purposely left us out when they discovered this important information about my husband’s Jewish identity.  

Ah, no wonder she was so stressed out.  The motives are clear. She thought I was lying and she was worried I would share the information from the test with others. 

We won’t lie for anyone. We didn’t lie then, and well, like yeah, we have told pretty much everyone.  Now you all know. 

The author Dani Shapiro is in recovery of a rare cancer right now.  I highly recommend her beautiful book, “Inheretance: A Memoir of Geneology, Paternity, and Love.”